Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners