Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

October 31

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.