Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.