My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.