My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You Might Also Like
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Important
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
The government even made aliens boring
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.