Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Blocked: 1985

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.