My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Why is this me 😫
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan