My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.