My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
what
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.