Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Genius idea!!

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

:/

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

😭😭😭

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.