My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name