Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.