My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.