Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

SPLOOT

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

i spent way too long on this

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.