My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
set yourself free xox
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?