My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars