My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job