My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I hate my earbuds.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met