Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎