My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.