My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
