My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
