My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My life in a nutshell
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Seas the day!!!!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
