My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
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What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
my one true gender
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
tourist season
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.