Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”