My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
You Might Also Like
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe