My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Mornin
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
got so much cardio in today
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]