Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.