My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi