My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.