Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

My purse is deeper than some people.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…