My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
You Might Also Like
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
No one:
London landlords:
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.