My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*