My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.