Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter