My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
