My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.