My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down