Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

I have written yet another poem about laundry

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest