My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.