My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there