Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.