Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

waiting for halloween be like:

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those