My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!