My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.