My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.