My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.