My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
rebranding
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.