Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Love it! 👍😂

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.