My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Maths meets science
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.