Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

This is my emotional support knife.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!