My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?