My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.