Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”