Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.