My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
You Might Also Like
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”