Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Ape together strong

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

me when somebody idk start touching me

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

They’re called werewolves.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.