My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Lol #dogsoftwitter
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.