My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
By Kate Hatos
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The symmetry is uncanny.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one