My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
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Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
With a text.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.