Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable