Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

just having fun

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions