My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”