Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The Chosen Phew

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I feel seen.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

🙄

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.