my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.