Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Smooooooth

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.