My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
![]()
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise