My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I beg you to euthanise me
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?