Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE