My teenage children choosing violence
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I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
i- i did not expect this
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.