My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.