Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

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The Chosen Phew

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart