Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

Meow?

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not