The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Me: Chandler shut up!
imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.