My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?