Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.