Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps