My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
The Birdles
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane