Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]