My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
United Steaks of America
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it