Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

I did not eat the cake…

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.