Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed