Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.