Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom